Of New Ventures, Old Fears, and….Smurfs.
"So it begins" were the first words that flashed through my mind as I sat at my new desk and stared off into oblivion. A good beginning sentiment I'll admit, spoken inaudibly with force and passion that greatly displayed my steely determination.
Unfortunately, the thoughts that followed were a bit less impressive and showed for a brief moment the sniveling scared little boy that is always hiding just under the surface, threatening to burst out in a glorious display of insecurity and immaturity. "What the hell do I do now" my mind screamed, causing a bit of a panic, which in turn caused the room to spin for a bit.
I had been trained, tutored, encouraged, inspired to greatness, convinced of the righteousness of my profession, but when all was said and done the responsibility for action rested entirely on my shoulders. For some reason, this little fact never occurred to me while in training, or while hearing about the great opportunities for wealth, control, and meaning to be found in this profession. I still remember watching with horror as my trembling finger dialed my first cold call, or the irritation I felt as I listened to my voice quiver and crack while I attempted (unsuccessfully I might add) to set my first appointment.
Insecurity and fear can be hugely disabling when not dealt with quickly. These two emotions happen to be old friends of mine who I thought had been vanquished long ago by my accomplishments, age, and intellect. Sadly, this was not the case.
I was in shock. For three months I had effortlessly maneuvered myself around any obstacles or challenges that could have hindered my progress, only to reach my goal and be blindsided by something I thought I had left behind. So in addition to vast quantity of obstacles a new individual in my profession faces, I must also do battle with old enemies thought long dead.
As I was sitting at my desk pondering the quandary in which I found myself, I looked up just in time to see a metaphorical 2x4 whizzing toward my head. You see my friends, this situation was nothing new. Solomon once said "Nothing is new under the sun" and believe me, that statement is too true. I had been in a very similar situation more than 5 years ago, facing the same types of insecurities and fears.
The lesson I learned from that experience was very simple, but so very hard to put into practice. Without Jesus, I am nothing. Think about that---what does that mean? How can that be applied on a daily basis? I've tried overcoming a plethora of insurmountable obstacles on my own, and sometimes I see marginal success, but more often than not, I fail completely. Why do I find it so difficult to ask for help? I truly believe without the blessing of God, a venture will never be truly successful, but if one's pride keeps one from asking for help...one is screwed.
I try to refrain from using song lyrics while pontificating, but this Delirious? song has been reverberating through my mind since the beginning of this thought process, so I thought I should share it with you.
What can you do with a heavy soul?
When you can dance but there's no rock 'n' roll
Where can you go, if the sun doesn't shine?
You sing the words, but none of them rhyme
What would I have done if it wasn't for Jesus?
Where do you go when you've lost the keys
When all is dark and you're on your knees?
And in a world where its love betrays
There is a light that will save the day
Don't go away
What would I have done if it wasn't for Jesus?
So here I am, over 5 years later, being whacked in the head by the same lesson---a lesson I should have learned long ago.
And so this sinner has resolved to crawl back to the feet of the one who for some reason loves him in spite of his faulty memory and evil tendencies---hoping beyond hope that maybe this time the lesson will remain with him a bit longer.
"So it begins"…indeed.
Unfortunately, the thoughts that followed were a bit less impressive and showed for a brief moment the sniveling scared little boy that is always hiding just under the surface, threatening to burst out in a glorious display of insecurity and immaturity. "What the hell do I do now" my mind screamed, causing a bit of a panic, which in turn caused the room to spin for a bit.
I had been trained, tutored, encouraged, inspired to greatness, convinced of the righteousness of my profession, but when all was said and done the responsibility for action rested entirely on my shoulders. For some reason, this little fact never occurred to me while in training, or while hearing about the great opportunities for wealth, control, and meaning to be found in this profession. I still remember watching with horror as my trembling finger dialed my first cold call, or the irritation I felt as I listened to my voice quiver and crack while I attempted (unsuccessfully I might add) to set my first appointment.
Insecurity and fear can be hugely disabling when not dealt with quickly. These two emotions happen to be old friends of mine who I thought had been vanquished long ago by my accomplishments, age, and intellect. Sadly, this was not the case.
I was in shock. For three months I had effortlessly maneuvered myself around any obstacles or challenges that could have hindered my progress, only to reach my goal and be blindsided by something I thought I had left behind. So in addition to vast quantity of obstacles a new individual in my profession faces, I must also do battle with old enemies thought long dead.
As I was sitting at my desk pondering the quandary in which I found myself, I looked up just in time to see a metaphorical 2x4 whizzing toward my head. You see my friends, this situation was nothing new. Solomon once said "Nothing is new under the sun" and believe me, that statement is too true. I had been in a very similar situation more than 5 years ago, facing the same types of insecurities and fears.
The lesson I learned from that experience was very simple, but so very hard to put into practice. Without Jesus, I am nothing. Think about that---what does that mean? How can that be applied on a daily basis? I've tried overcoming a plethora of insurmountable obstacles on my own, and sometimes I see marginal success, but more often than not, I fail completely. Why do I find it so difficult to ask for help? I truly believe without the blessing of God, a venture will never be truly successful, but if one's pride keeps one from asking for help...one is screwed.
I try to refrain from using song lyrics while pontificating, but this Delirious? song has been reverberating through my mind since the beginning of this thought process, so I thought I should share it with you.
What can you do with a heavy soul?
When you can dance but there's no rock 'n' roll
Where can you go, if the sun doesn't shine?
You sing the words, but none of them rhyme
What would I have done if it wasn't for Jesus?
Where do you go when you've lost the keys
When all is dark and you're on your knees?
And in a world where its love betrays
There is a light that will save the day
Don't go away
What would I have done if it wasn't for Jesus?
So here I am, over 5 years later, being whacked in the head by the same lesson---a lesson I should have learned long ago.
And so this sinner has resolved to crawl back to the feet of the one who for some reason loves him in spite of his faulty memory and evil tendencies---hoping beyond hope that maybe this time the lesson will remain with him a bit longer.
"So it begins"…indeed.
posted by fearbaby at 6:17 AM
1 Comments:
great piece - you articulate yourself really well. it's an odd & humbling thing to learn that we need to ask Jesus for help even in the things we think we're "good" at already.
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