What Doesn't Kill You...
Being constantly confronted by one's own deficiencies in character really blows.
So the other day I was cogitation on why I had been so despondent as of late (and pretty much tired with life---something that shouldn't happen for another 30 years or so) when I had a blindingly obvious epiphany. I have been confronted on a daily basis with my various character flaws for the last two years---with absolutely no reprieve.
I used to have this wonderful thing called a comfort zone, but unfortunately I haven't seen that pesky bugger for about two years. Don't get me wrong, personal growth is wonderful, and being out of one's element is an excellent accelerant for said growth, but growth is painful, and usually brings to light that which you'd rather not face.
I feel like a mountain climber who has been sliding down a cliff for what seems like an eternity, never able to find a decent hand or foot hold with which to halt the slid, and overt the impending disaster. Oh, and to add insult to injury, all the way down I have been privy to every inconsistency, flaw, and weakness that exists in my life. So loads of fun for Andrew, let me tell you.
On the bright side, I think I have found a few things in my life that I can use as hand and foot holds to help me reverse my slide into oblivion, and actually make some headway up the mountain that is my life.
It's a daily struggle to focus on the positive and be optimistic, and some days I fail miserably, but then there are other days that aren't so bad---days that give the slightest glimpse of what my life could look like in the future. Glimpses of what my future could look like doesn't seem like much, but let me tell you, when your week has been magnificently awful, and you come face to face with the sinful and depraved version of yourself (on a daily basis), that glimpse is what keeps you from blowing your brains out over the weekend (and yes, I am being a bit over dramatic here).
It's true, what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger...let's just hope I keep getting stronger, and not deader...
So the other day I was cogitation on why I had been so despondent as of late (and pretty much tired with life---something that shouldn't happen for another 30 years or so) when I had a blindingly obvious epiphany. I have been confronted on a daily basis with my various character flaws for the last two years---with absolutely no reprieve.
I used to have this wonderful thing called a comfort zone, but unfortunately I haven't seen that pesky bugger for about two years. Don't get me wrong, personal growth is wonderful, and being out of one's element is an excellent accelerant for said growth, but growth is painful, and usually brings to light that which you'd rather not face.
I feel like a mountain climber who has been sliding down a cliff for what seems like an eternity, never able to find a decent hand or foot hold with which to halt the slid, and overt the impending disaster. Oh, and to add insult to injury, all the way down I have been privy to every inconsistency, flaw, and weakness that exists in my life. So loads of fun for Andrew, let me tell you.
On the bright side, I think I have found a few things in my life that I can use as hand and foot holds to help me reverse my slide into oblivion, and actually make some headway up the mountain that is my life.
It's a daily struggle to focus on the positive and be optimistic, and some days I fail miserably, but then there are other days that aren't so bad---days that give the slightest glimpse of what my life could look like in the future. Glimpses of what my future could look like doesn't seem like much, but let me tell you, when your week has been magnificently awful, and you come face to face with the sinful and depraved version of yourself (on a daily basis), that glimpse is what keeps you from blowing your brains out over the weekend (and yes, I am being a bit over dramatic here).
It's true, what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger...let's just hope I keep getting stronger, and not deader...
posted by fearbaby at 7:32 PM
1 Comments:
well, i'll be the first to post a comment beings i've just now stumbled upon your blog. (ahem)
i to have and do feel beset on all sides byu the flaws and the overwhelming sin that i just can't seem to get away from. and one thing i've found, is that, there is no seeming, i just can't get away. and it makes me wonder, am i supposed to?
my point has nothing to do with any of that, my point is this: in the end, the mistakes are just that, mistakes. God loves us so much that he pored out all of his wrath on his own son. all of it. so there is nothing to be poured out on me or you. and if God doesn't condemn us, who can? God affirms us, and loves us. so who are we to condemn ourselves? are we greater than God? no not really. so why do we condemn ourselves? because we are selfish? probably so...
i dono, i struggle to grasp the Love that God is. anyways, i think your doing great!
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