What Doesn't Kill You...

Being constantly confronted by one's own deficiencies in character really blows.

So the other day I was cogitation on why I had been so despondent as of late (and pretty much tired with life---something that shouldn't happen for another 30 years or so) when I had a blindingly obvious epiphany. I have been confronted on a daily basis with my various character flaws for the last two years---with absolutely no reprieve.

I used to have this wonderful thing called a comfort zone, but unfortunately I haven't seen that pesky bugger for about two years. Don't get me wrong, personal growth is wonderful, and being out of one's element is an excellent accelerant for said growth, but growth is painful, and usually brings to light that which you'd rather not face.

I feel like a mountain climber who has been sliding down a cliff for what seems like an eternity, never able to find a decent hand or foot hold with which to halt the slid, and overt the impending disaster. Oh, and to add insult to injury, all the way down I have been privy to every inconsistency, flaw, and weakness that exists in my life. So loads of fun for Andrew, let me tell you.

On the bright side, I think I have found a few things in my life that I can use as hand and foot holds to help me reverse my slide into oblivion, and actually make some headway up the mountain that is my life.

It's a daily struggle to focus on the positive and be optimistic, and some days I fail miserably, but then there are other days that aren't so bad---days that give the slightest glimpse of what my life could look like in the future. Glimpses of what my future could look like doesn't seem like much, but let me tell you, when your week has been magnificently awful, and you come face to face with the sinful and depraved version of yourself (on a daily basis), that glimpse is what keeps you from blowing your brains out over the weekend (and yes, I am being a bit over dramatic here).

It's true, what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger...let's just hope I keep getting stronger, and not deader...

Of New Ventures, Old Fears, and….Smurfs.

"So it begins" were the first words that flashed through my mind as I sat at my new desk and stared off into oblivion. A good beginning sentiment I'll admit, spoken inaudibly with force and passion that greatly displayed my steely determination.

Unfortunately, the thoughts that followed were a bit less impressive and showed for a brief moment the sniveling scared little boy that is always hiding just under the surface, threatening to burst out in a glorious display of insecurity and immaturity. "What the hell do I do now" my mind screamed, causing a bit of a panic, which in turn caused the room to spin for a bit.

I had been trained, tutored, encouraged, inspired to greatness, convinced of the righteousness of my profession, but when all was said and done the responsibility for action rested entirely on my shoulders. For some reason, this little fact never occurred to me while in training, or while hearing about the great opportunities for wealth, control, and meaning to be found in this profession. I still remember watching with horror as my trembling finger dialed my first cold call, or the irritation I felt as I listened to my voice quiver and crack while I attempted (unsuccessfully I might add) to set my first appointment.

Insecurity and fear can be hugely disabling when not dealt with quickly. These two emotions happen to be old friends of mine who I thought had been vanquished long ago by my accomplishments, age, and intellect. Sadly, this was not the case.

I was in shock. For three months I had effortlessly maneuvered myself around any obstacles or challenges that could have hindered my progress, only to reach my goal and be blindsided by something I thought I had left behind. So in addition to vast quantity of obstacles a new individual in my profession faces, I must also do battle with old enemies thought long dead.

As I was sitting at my desk pondering the quandary in which I found myself, I looked up just in time to see a metaphorical 2x4 whizzing toward my head. You see my friends, this situation was nothing new. Solomon once said "Nothing is new under the sun" and believe me, that statement is too true. I had been in a very similar situation more than 5 years ago, facing the same types of insecurities and fears.

The lesson I learned from that experience was very simple, but so very hard to put into practice. Without Jesus, I am nothing. Think about that---what does that mean? How can that be applied on a daily basis? I've tried overcoming a plethora of insurmountable obstacles on my own, and sometimes I see marginal success, but more often than not, I fail completely. Why do I find it so difficult to ask for help? I truly believe without the blessing of God, a venture will never be truly successful, but if one's pride keeps one from asking for help...one is screwed.

I try to refrain from using song lyrics while pontificating, but this Delirious? song has been reverberating through my mind since the beginning of this thought process, so I thought I should share it with you.

What can you do with a heavy soul?
When you can dance but there's no rock 'n' roll
Where can you go, if the sun doesn't shine?
You sing the words, but none of them rhyme
What would I have done if it wasn't for Jesus?
Where do you go when you've lost the keys
When all is dark and you're on your knees?
And in a world where its love betrays
There is a light that will save the day
Don't go away
What would I have done if it wasn't for Jesus?

So here I am, over 5 years later, being whacked in the head by the same lesson---a lesson I should have learned long ago.

And so this sinner has resolved to crawl back to the feet of the one who for some reason loves him in spite of his faulty memory and evil tendencies---hoping beyond hope that maybe this time the lesson will remain with him a bit longer.


"So it begins"…indeed.

Favorite Quote of the Week...

Me: So how did you guys get together?
Mattie: Well…I worked in the bar, she worked in the restaurant…
Me: So you just hit it off while working together?
Mattie: Not really. When I was drunk I would occasionally throw crap at her...then one day she started throwing the crap back.

Romantic, no?

Of PB&J, and Other Comfort Foods…

I had a PB&J sandwich last nigh. A bit childish some would say, but amazingly good when one is famished and cannot find something simple to eat. It’s amazing how many memories came flooding into my mind as a result of such a simple meal---everything from kindergarten lunches, to wild and crazy family road trips where my mom would make the sandwiches in the car while we drove because my dad didn’t want to waste time by actually stopping to eat (ahh…good times).

So as I was happily munching away on my childish sandwich, indulging in childhood memories, I realized that there are many things about my childhood that I miss. For instance, what happened to the seemingly never ending flow of energy? Did I use it all up? If I would have known that we're only allotted a certain amount of energy for our lives, I certainly would have been a bit more stingy with it as a child. Having a super large amount of missed childhood activities and experiences, I have decided to make a list of the top ten things about my childhood that I miss.

1. Real, Unadulterated, Guilt Free (and Calorie Free) Fun
2. Summer (the real summer, with watermelon, pool parties, and frequent visits to the beach)
3. Schoolwork (where the complexities did not exceed simple division and verb conjugation)
4. Never Having to Exercise (because having fun was exercise enough)
5. Not Being Able to Sleep In on Saturdays (because you had so much to do, and so little time!)
6. Not Being Able to Sleep the Night Before Christmas
7. Simplicity in Relationships with the Opposite Sex (relationships that consisted of snarky comments about how girls are “dumb” and then the customary throwing of mud)
8. The Lack of Financial Issues
9. Lack of Stress (the only stress being whether or not you would get caught and punished for breaking whatever trivial rule your parents had put in place to keep you from becoming a complete savage)
10. Worry Free Sleep (the content slumber of a child who has been out “playing” all day is something that we as adults will never experience again)


A moment of silence for my deceased childhood...

Thank you.

The Dichotomy that is My Social Life…

Clarity has been reached, and with it, a feeling of extreme helplessness to direct and control my social destiny. Diversity in life is important, and surrounding yourself with a diverse grouping of individuals is extremely healthy. That being said, I also feel that one should choose friends wisely, as you will undoubtedly be influenced by them. But what happens if the friends surrounding you are not chosen, but are a result of a common activity, social club, or belief system (church, for instance)?

I am surrounded by the oddest assortment of social groups. Each group is interconnected in some form or fashion, but one rarely chooses to be associated with the others in social settings.

This little revelation was made clear to me at a recent party I attended (and organized). After arriving, each individual filtered into what I like to call his/her “comfort group” and proceeded to spend the rest of the evening with that particular grouping of individuals. Everyone knew each other, but there was little to no intermingling between groups. There were those who bridged the gap though, interacting with each group, trying to “be all things to all people” as it were. During the meal, you could see the separation of groups, with both the groupless, and “gap bridgers” sitting in the middle.

I guess that little party was a fairly good representation of society as a whole. You have your exclusive groupings, your social misfits that don’t seem to fit into any group, and then your “gap bridgers.”

So what is the ideal? Should everybody attempt to be a “gap bridger”? Or is this just another facet of one’s unique personality (i.e. outgoing vs. introverted)?

For me, feeling at ease regardless of the setting or group is ideal. Having the ability to converse with both geek and socialite, businessman and artist, vagabond and boy scout is talent that I aspire to perfect at some point in my life.

Is this possible? Time will tell...

Inspiration, or the Lack Thereof…

What causes inspiration? It obviously varies from person to person, but there is usually some type of input from an exterior source that precedes the moment of inspiration. Maybe it was a sonnet, beautifully composed and performed, or perhaps a poignant photograph that captured an elusive flash of raw emotion. Regardless of the stimuli, the majority of great inspirational moments are triggered by an outside source.

Is this a safe assumption? Or does true inspiration and genius come from within?

I’ve been stewing over this topic for a few weeks, without coming to a satisfactory conclusion. I know that for me personally, great literarily works tend have the greatest inspirational effect. My vocabulary improves, my writing improves, and my ability to express myself verbally improves, all as a result of mentally digesting the works of a literary genius.

Following this same line of thinking, the simplest path to becoming an uninspired bore would be to cease my intake of literary works, thus allowing my creative flow to grind to a halt…

Gosh that was idiotic.

Note to self:

Go to library ASAP.

Of Fools...

You know that whole thing about fools in Proverbs? Well it’s all true, every last bit of it. I just spent half an hour trying to verbally pound some sense into what I like to call a “committed fool.”

I really should have known better.

How does one impart truth to a person whose moral compass is so out of wack, the poles might as well be reversed?

With a large wooden club, that’s how.

When logic and absolute truth cease to exist in an argument, persuasiveness and eloquence seem to count but little.

Lesson learned.